Marriage, Parenting, Family, Christian, Counseling Resources

Let’s Dance
Rob couldn’t take it any more. He and his wife, Sharon, had been arguing for what seemed like hours. The more they tried to resolve the situation the further they became stuck. “She’s so angry and no matter what I do it only seems to make matters worse,” Rob thought to himself. Eventually Rob shut down, refused to talk, and walked away leaving Sharon all alone. Sharon yelled, “That’s right, leave like you always do!” Sharon did not like that she felt so angry and critical towards Rob. Sharon really struggled with the fact that he never seemed to listen or care about what she was feeling”. It just seemed like no matter how hard they tried it always ended up in the same old fight. If Rob and Sharon’s “dance” sounds familiar it’s because many couples fall into the same pattern when trying to communicate emotionally. Sharon, the pursuer in the relationship, often becomes angry when she feels as if Rob is dismissing her. Her anger turns quickly into attacking and critical statements towards Rob. At the root of Sharon’s anger are vulnerable feelings of hurt, sadness and loneliness. Sharon longs for Rob to understand her, to feel safe enough to share her deeper needs, and to know that Rob is there for her. In this example, Rob is the withdrawer in the relationship. Rob will often express anger and/or no emotion at all which ends up with Sharon feeling abandoned, which fuels her anger and attacks. Rob will then defend, stonewall, and shut down emotionally. Deep down Rob is feeling inadequate, sad, and “not good enough.” Withdrawers, like pursuers, need to know they are loved and accepted in spite of their short comings, and when both sense they cannot trust or feel safe with their partner the relationship becomes unsafe and the emotional connection is lost. The dance is a complex cycle highlighted by highly defensive reactions such as the ones described above. Those defensive reactions eventually set up vicious and potentially relationship threatening patterns (aka. the dance) of interaction. For instance, the more the withdrawer shuts down and pulls away the more the pursuer pursues, sometimes by being critical and blaming. Conversely, the more the pursuer attacks the more the withdrawer disconnects and on and on it goes. Inevitably, a couple will find themselves caught in a dance that leaves both of them feeling alone, isolated, and emotionally empty. What triggers these distressed rigid cycles between partners is that they are feeling emotionally disconnected and unsafe with one another. The emotions and behaviors within these cycles are desperate attempts at protesting the loss of loving connection and the emotional bond between partners. The dance is all about trying to get to a place of feeling safe and secure with one another! If the dance sounds familiar rest assured that you are not alone. I have counseled numerous couples that have been trapped in these same patterns. The good news is that the music to the dance can be changed. Emotionally Focused Couple’s Therapy, EFT, is a revolutionary approach developed by Dr.s Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg in the early 1980’s. EFT is able to help couples fight the cycle which is their common enemy by focusing on the deeper emotions that often remain hidden and lost in the harsh repetitive interaction of the dance. EFT also helps partners to express what every human being longs for: to know that I am safe, secure, and loved. The process of identifying the negative dance, working together to overcome it, and the sharing of one’s most heartfelt emotions and needs is what mends broken relationships. EFT focuses on helping each partner share these emotions and needs which strengthens the couple’s emotional BOND to one another. When a couple is more securely bonded with one another the negative cycle loses its power and the couple is able to provide loving comfort and reassurance to one another. This is what makes EFT so truly powerful and sets it apart from other models of couple’s therapy that emphasize improving communication skills, developing boundaries, and negotiating. To really create lasting and positive change you have to go to the root and emotionally connect with your partner! There is hope that you and your partner can once again experience a safe and secure bond with one another. To learn more about EFT you can read Dr. Sue Johnson’s book, “Hold Me Tight” or by visiting www.crossroadsfcc.com.

Take action today by calling 623-680-3486 or by emailing This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it to set up your FREE 20 minute phone consultation to learn how we can help you.

Join our mailing list to receive
event updates, helpful articles,
and free tips.
Email Marketing You Can Trust
Crossroads serves Scottsdale, Anthem, North Phoenix,
and their surrounding areas.

Crossroads was founded and is owned by Travis E. Frye MA, LPC.

To better serve you Crossroads Counseling has two offices conveniently located at the Scottsdale Atrium at the 101 and Raintree. We have an expert staff of therapists ready to help you!
Office address is 14300 North Northsight Blvd. Suite 215 85260.
The North Phoenix office is 34406 N. 27th Dr. 85085 building # 6 located off the I-17 and Carefree Highway near beautiful Anthem, AZ.

Note : Crossroads Family Counseling Center provides marriage counseling, couples counseling, relationship counseling, premarital counseling, family counseling, intensive marriage and couples counseling, counseling for children, counseling for adolescents, individual counseling for those struggling with depression, anxiety, and counseling for those struggling with trauma. Crossroad Family Counseling Center provides counseling for men who desire to have healthier relationships, become a better husband and father, who struggle with purity, and who want to grow spiritually. Crossroads offers counseling services for women who desire healthier relationships, a great marriage, who are struggling with family, depression, anxiety, and who desire to grow spiritually. Travis Frye is the Owner and Clinical Director of Crossroads. He is a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, or EFT, and is New Life Live Credentialed Christian Counselor. While we work from a Christian counseling perspective we work with people from all faith backgrounds. Crossroads has a staff of highly trained therapists committed to helping you and your family. Crossroads also provides grief and loss counseling, anger management counseling, groups to improve your marriage, family, or parenting skills. Crossroads Family Counseling Center serves individuals and couples in Scottsdale, Anthem, North Scottsdale, Phoenix, North Phoenix, Carefree, Cave Creek, New River, Desert Hills, Peoria, Glendale, Tempe, Mesa, Chandler, Gilbert, Queen Creek, their surrounding areas, and in the following zip codes: 85086, 85085, 85008, 85012, 85014,85016, 85017, 85018, 85019, 85020, 85021, 85022, 85023, 85024, 85027, 85028, 85029, 85032, 85034, 85040, 85050, 85054, 85201, 85202, 85203, 85204, 85208, 85210, 85224, 85225, 85226, 85233, 85234, 85250, 85251, 85252, 85253, 85254, 85255, 85256, 85257, 85258, 85259, 85260, 85261, 85262, 85266, 85267, 85268, 85269, 85271, 85280, 85281, 85282, 85327, 85331, 85377.

Additional Resources

Join our mailing list to receive event updates, helpful articles, and free tips.

Join our mailing list to receive
event updates, helpful articles,
and free tips.